Gary Chalk
Some people don’t apologize, instead they get even. And then there are—you guessed it—men.
Many men don’t take the effort to apologize or get even. Have you ever seen a guy get up from the sofa to change the furnace filters a couple of times a year and apologize for taking so long? Enough said.
Scientific evidence suggests a typical male DNA lacks the ‘touchy-feely’ genes, which means some men are genetically structured to care more about their seven-piece adjustable wrench set than their wife’s feelings. But that didn’t stop me from trying to apologize to Jan recently. This is what occurred…
It all started four days before Jan’s birthday. Mid-morning we lost our cable—telephone, television, internet, the works! At 9 o’clock that evening we still were not connected. This is when Jan said, “Gary, I am bored. Can I have my birthday present I bought for me and gave to you to give to me, now. It is wrapped up sitting in your office.”
“Jan, how do you know the birthday gift you bought for yourself that you gave me to give to you is wrapped and in my office?”
“For heaven’s sake Gary, I was the one who went out and got my gift for myself; it’s a book written by one of my favorite authors.”
“But Jan, how do you know I wrapped it? And that it’s in my office?”
Jan laughed out loud! “Gary, it’s the only thing in your office that looks like it’s been put together using butcher twine and a weed whacker.”
Minutes later Jan had her present to her from me, through her. Make sense?
As Jan unwrapped the gift she said, “Gary, there is no card with my gift. Do I have to even purchase my own birthday card?”
“Jan, I still have four days to get your card.”
That’s when Jan said, “Gary, I may as well even buy my birthday candles.”
That’s when I snapped, “And while you’re at it buy your own birthday cake. And the ice cream too!”
Silence.
I didn’t know what to do. Or say. Should I buy Jan some flowers? But she wouldn’t know whether the flowers were for her birthday or my misplaced comment about her birthday. I blurted out, “I am sorry if I offended you, Dear.” Jan interpreted that as I was sorry only if I offended her, otherwise I wasn’t sorry.
Jan’s birthday arrived. We celebrated at a brunch at a French restaurant. The good news is I remembered to purchase a birthday card. The bad news is I forgot to bring it with me! And you’re darn tootin’ I didn’t apologize—I already was in a heap of trouble.
“Living Retired” is written by humor columnist Gary Chalk.